This week on the most boring Karadashian spinoff to date, reunions are schemed, roommates are evicted, and two grown-up adults let an internet personality exam dictate their relationship. Lets dive in.
The episode shall begin with a brief conclusion to the DC trip. Tokyo Toni is still hollering at Rob for being a piece of shit fianc, and he literally just responds to every single one of her statements with yeah. She even goes through his telephone to make sure he isnt still texting bitches, and Rob giggles it off as if this woman wouldnt 100% murder him in the bat of an eye.
Back in LA, Rob runs over to Chynas to sort through a baby gift basket that Kim sent them, but the conversation takes a turn for the uncomfortable when Chyna makes Rob play rock, newspaper, scissors for the booty. These people are millionaires.
Naturally this results into a serious talk about their relationship and all the valid points that Toni brought up in DC.
Rob: Your mommy doesnt scare me.
Chyna: Your first mistake.
Rob admits that maybe their relationship had a bit of an unconventional start, but all that matters is how they move forward. If the fact that your fiance tweeted out your cell phone number last weekend to her millions of followers, Id say youre not moving forward all that well.
One of the main plot points of this episode is that Scott is concerned that Rob doesnt hang out with his old friends. These guys are close enough with the rest of the family to still talk to Scott and Kourtney on the reg, but Rob hasnt spoken to any of them for at least two years. He tries to get Rob to agree to some kind of reunion, but Rob mumbles a couple excuses and then changes the topic to STD tests. Smooth.
Scott : I just got tested. Its so dope.
Rob : Didnt they stick a cutip inside your dick.
Scott : Yeah. Loved it.
Our second major plot point comes politenes of a love language test that Sam found online. Chyna takes it and then stimulates Rob take it as well, and finds out that the two of them are speaking different love speeches. This news rocks her world.
Chyna: Rob and I always get different answers on our Buzzfeed quizs and now I dont know what to believe.
Sam: How much fund do I get for bringing this test to your attention?
After finding out from the love test that Chyna wants nice things done for her, Rob has Paige teach him how to cook Chynas favorite snack. Im glad it took an internet personality test to teach Rob that he should be doing nice things for his fiance.
Scott goes to see Chyna with his concerns about Rob and his friends. He wants to scheme a get-together for all of them and Chyna is on board, principally because its a situation that would induce Rob horrifically uncomfortable.
Chyna : Social situations build Rob anxious, so we should probably blindside him with this party.
Scott: Fantastic. Sign me up. I have a giant penis.
While his two closest confidants are scheming his
ambush surprise party, Rob prepares his own astonish for Chyna. Hes set up a home cooked meal outside under the stars that are totally visible in the smog-infested, light-polluted city of Los Angeles.
Rob: Go ahead and start eating babe.
Chyna: Nah Im gonna wait for you.
Chyna: * deep throats sausage*
Their date is complete with stilted dialogue of the reasons why they should go on more dates. The chemistry between these two, I swear.
The next day, Kris comes over to hang out with Chyna, taunt her decorating the competences and discuss their living arrangements. She asks if Chyna is going to kick Paige out to make room for the newborn, as if that giant-ass home doesnt have more than three rooms.
Chyna: Mama Kris makes a fantastic phase. My LA mansion cant perhaps fit more than three adults and an infant.
Scotts surprise party is spoiled when all of Robs friends start texting him for details. Scott is pissed, because now Rob has the chance to potentially back out.
Scott: Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with people. Why do they need to know things like place and time. Im the best party planner of all time.
To no ones astound, Rob is not psyched at the thought of having to face all the people hes been blatantly dismissing for two years now. He begrudgingly agrees to it anyways, likely because Ryan Seacrest was pointing a gun at him simply off camera.
Rob: I want something low-key.
Scott: Totally. But reports should also get a naked sushi model.
Chyna throws Rob a similar date as to what he did earlier, except his favorite dinner consists of chips and Kit Kat bars. They once again sit next to each other and droning out vaguely positive remarks about their relationship.
Chyna eventually has the awkward conversation with Paige about their living situation. Despite what the commercial transgres teasers implied for the last forty minutes, Paige was super chill about everything there is. Its almost like shes a rational adult or something.
Kim defines up a newborn boot camp for Rob to prepare him for this child who has no notion what theyre about to be born into. He asks some really important questions like whether or not he can wipe poop into his daughters vagina. This man graduated college.
Chyna and Paige head to the friendly neighborhood Touch of Romance to get renders for a kinky night for Rob. Has this man not suffered enough? Chyna falls her own housewife-esque motto on us with the iconic I know Rob has trust issues, but hes gonna have to trust me tonight.
Chyna: I want to abuse him.
Clerk : MAAM.
What follows is the most important scene to take place this episode. It will haunt me for weeks. Rob, casual as ever, saunters into his kitchen and lashes himself up a smoothie consisting of frozen salmon, frozen steak, milk, ice and blueberries. I have no less than 600 questions.
Is this for real? He blends that shit up and drinkings it with zero justification, either in person or via voiceover. He was kind of smirking while he did it, so is this an inside joke with the producers? Is Rob Kardashian trolling all of us? Im going to lose sleep over this.
Chyna: Will any of your friends at this BBQ be black?
Rob: Oh babe. This is Calabasas.
Kourtney and Scott show up for the reunion BBQ, which is the single most uncomfortable social encounter Ive ever been forced to witness. Rob stares at his food while his best friend JJ bitches about how Rob ghosted him for two years.
JJ: Ive best Robs best friend since 4th grade.
JJ: He hasnt texted me back in two years.
JJ: He skipped my wedding.
JJ: But its fine.
Rob pledges to keep in better contact with his friends, and they all walk away with a check from Kris for their troubles. Will JJ be a recurring character? God I hope so. His salty ass would be a great distraction from this otherwise trainwreck of a relationship.
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